Feeling Like Writing Again

 A great teacher once told me that, great works of art come from one's deepest moment of darkness.

I feel like writing again.

We'll see.

Its been 2 and a half year

Its been quite a while since I last wrote.

Maybe many things has happened.
Maybe I just didn't know what to write.
Maybe, I want to start writing back again.

Who knows, I might find my miracle somewhere again.

Its been a year of no updates?

I guess I've lost the passion to write? Or could it be  I have ported to another medium of sharing stuff?

I'm just here to see what my other acquaintances are doing currently.

If I do meet any of you again down the road, it might not be on neutral grounds anymore, and I'm okay with that.

Before we engage in battle, which I foresee it'll be soon down the future, you people have my utmost respect. I may have become the devil himself.

Mini Rant : That Back Hand Slap In High School

I just had finished a good meal consisting of a deep fried chicken carcass, curry mee and stir fried baby kailan courtesy of the local night market and my mum; the stir fried kailan that is. Now as I was chowing on that carcass, that tasted as dry as I remembered it was 7 years ago, I had a flash back. Of how I was bitch slap by my hostel block disciplinary teacher during that one fateful night. Now that I think about it deeply, did I even deserved it? Should I have blocked the slap and slapped him instead? I would given my current state of mind and experience though.




Now the back story. I sort of only remembered it vaguely but I think the prime reason was that our batch was causing a few disciplinary problems. Nothing generic, just run of the mill smoking, dating, skipping class here and there, skipping prep times and all the taboo shit you should not have done in the hostel life but, hey, that's what you get man. And so, we were gathered in the surau both male and female students to be lectured on and be thought a lesson. It was a long talk but, I remembered I had to stand up and come to the front and got frickin back hand slap by that teacher/warden! Oh boy if he was holding it back I wouldnt have resented it as much, but, dammit he pulled all the way!



Why was I slapped you ask? Maybe because I was the batch leader, sort of. Went through some elections and selections and I was selected. Now, I was supposed to lead this group of chemically unstable, rebellious teenagers, which I was a part of too, so it seems. Hell I can't do that. If they want to smoke, they gonna smoke. If they want to fall in love and be loved, they are going to fall in love and be loved. If they want to skip class and skip prep they gonna! What was I to do? I can give a bit word of advice, that is all, but heck I was as miserable, as confused, as chemically unstable and as rebellious as them all was.




Now, he going and gathered all the students there from our batch there. ALL I tell ya. Even all the good ones too. Na'ah he aint selective. The problem was, its this them trouble makers! not us good ones. Aw hell the reasoning was you're from the same batch and so all of y'all gonna get it. Hell no! Some of us aint friends with some of them trouble makers. If they were our friends, who were kind to all and helpful, I would gladly take the slap for them but no! If I deserved that slap I won't be complaining but I went by the rules and got slapped too.




Sorry, went a bit ghetto there but anyways. I forgive him for slapping me. But I aint never going to forget. EVER!

One step too late

"Always a step too late..." He sigh deeply in his shower. 

He took a good deep look into the mirror. He gazed into his own eyes. He could recall all the girls that he was attracted too. Recall them as he may, but he might not remember their names. Its like his brain doesn't remember or more like, he programmed himself to delete the things that he doesn't want to remember. Not that his life matters anymore to any of his acquaintances. 

As the water trickle down his hair, he can't help but think all his missteps that he took in his love life. He could have had a shot with a lot of people but he would always be a step too late or he'd be too dumb to realize that the girl were giving him signals. He took the soap in his hands and gave himself a good thorough wash through. He grabbed his shaver and took a pause. He remembers a picture he saw in instagram of an old friend who grew a cool beard and had long hair akin to Professor Snape from Harry Potter. He was jealous that he didn't win the biological lottery of having good physical genes but he didn't want a bearded face. He would resemble too much the people in whom he once had trusted in. So he kept his face clean shaven.

Its amusing, he thought, how you think about a lot of stuff during showers. He kept thinking of this one girl he went out with twice. He wanted to think of it as a date but he knew that he wasn't being anything near boyfriend material but had always been a gentlemen. He had lunch with her but little did she know he was suffering from a bad case of diarrhea. He also didn't had resources to treat her too lunch that time too. He was in a bad condition but he thought he might have had a chance with her. The best he could do was drive her around for the day. 

The second time he was doing a bit better. He met her up north and was able to drive her around again and hang around near the beach. It was a good day. He almost drove her back to her house but it was 365 km away and she didn't want to trouble him anymore than she had already have it seems.

That was the end of it. two meet ups. two talking sessions. He had tried texting her every other day but she rarely replied. So he thinks it was just a fling and he dropped it. He still follows her on a social media site, she doesn't follow him back (which he guessed was a sign), but he constantly tries to forget her now. She was near perfect to him except that she kept reminding him of his mum and he didn't want to have another relationship with his mum. Oh boy, one was enough.

This was what then that lead to he recalling every girl he had tried so far. He didn't had any luck. He was always a step too late. The girl wasn't interested in him (or boys currently) and the girl already had a guy (mostly) was always a hurdle he seems to always find.

He snapped back to reality. Cleaned himself up. Shakes his hair up. Exited the shower. Life just moves on.

He would always be a step too late. so far.

The sudden post

Why the sudden post of contents within minutes of each other? I just found stuff that I've written around the past 5 months and found the time to upload it here. Bits and pieces of me. Yeap. Dont bother haha

Bus Stop Musings

Bus stop musings
The bus stop. I wonder how many philosophers have mused under it. It seems like a good spot to do it too. I mean its open and outside there. Depending on the place it can be packed with people or none at all.  Either is good for a moments reflection.
I wonder too how many lonely people have waited or is still seeking a miracle under one. Its a place where its harmless for people to wait and see. To observe and think. To ponder and take action for their lives. Sometimes they encounter friends who gives them a smile for the night. Sometimes you find nothing too. But its okay.
Then you wonder how many couples have it bear witness. The young ones in love and the old who endured time. Listening on to their conversations without being judgemental. I imagine the bus stop with big hands and a bigger heart embracing the couples sheltering them from but a moment of no judgement and only for them. For once the moment is just for them.
Unfortunately, it has also beared witness to the heart breaks and tears too. The fights the pain and the tears layed there.
The bus stop has single handedly witnessed a lot of things through out its lifetime.

What The Library Means To me

When I feel lonely... I like to sit among books... I like the idea that there I am... all alone but yet I am amongst some of the greatest work of art and literature and knowledge ever written by men. As lonely as I feel... im surrounded by greats. As great as that sounds. Im still alone in person. I wish I had a friend or someone special to be by my side to keep me company. I cant help but feel that when we are with people and when we are all alone we are essentially different persons. We embody different personas but what remains bis our eternal core that we build up with time and experience. Opss... I almost forgot, I have music as company too... better put them on too.

I'm Waiting

Im waiting
I have always been waiting...
Waiting for an uncertainty. ..
Waiting for a possibility...
Hoping on a probability...
That has traversed antiquity...
Gambling on luck...
I like waiting
It allows me to think back and reflect and ponder
Most days I get nothing
But somedays I get a stroke of insight
Im standing on ifs...
the ifs does come...
But what do I do with it...
I can barely give a smile...
How can I do anything
But waiting itself is never enough
You have to go and take action too
Sometimes action might be too big of a word
But in reality... its just enough to get out of your room and take a walk and smile to people...
Everyday your life can change the moment you walk out of your door.
Reading back the word hopeless romantic strike me deeply... why am I like that I wonder...
While I wonder...
time passes me by as an ally as I wait

Green Lantern Haaaaaaaa~

After finishing watching the Green Lantern (2011) and Green Lantern : Emerald Knights (2011) for the first time; I was like;

I want those rings too!

You have to admit, they were cool and awesome! Imagine that having the ability to craft anything your imagination can construct and be it as strong as your will! Come on, young adults will are burning! Plus the shade of green on Green Lantern is sweet!

The Green Lantern also brought back a discussion  the past, in a very prestigious IB school, about how sometimes in life we are chosen, or the chosen one. It was something that you could relate to. How Hal Jordan faced his fears and discovered his inner strength and become triumphant in the end. It was a needed boost at the time.

But the thing is... Hal Jordan didn't apply for a Green Lantern ring. He did not. He was chosen out of the sky from a crashing alien ship who the judge was a green light that saw something in him. The green light choose him. Now that makes a lot of difference see.

Previously he did not knew what he wanted to do. He was a slacker, skilled and talented yet lacked discipline. Once chosen by the green light who saw his potential, he still doubted himself, but on the journey he discovered something worth fighting for. He willed up the will to make the right decision.

He finally had something worth living for.  

You might not have the green lantern's ring, but what you have is will. And have you found what is worth fighting for?

In brightest day, in blackest night,

No evil shall escape my sight.

Let those who worship evil's might,

Beware my power, Green Lantern's light!!

Family

Recent events have let me to rethink about family. What is a family? What is it? Is it by blood? or by time? Who is your family? People you know so well or people you just don't know and just accept? People mine quote from all sort of stuff. A famous quote for family is "God chooses your family, you choose you friends". Makes sense but what does the quote really imply?

 Quick google-ing and wikipedia-fu gives me this;
In human context, a family (from Latin: familia) is a group of people affiliated by consanguinity, affinity, or co-residence. In most societies it is the principal institution for the socialization of children. Anthropologists most generally classify family organization as matrilocal (a mother and her children); conjugal (a husband, his wife, and children; also called nuclear family); and consanguineal (also called an extended family) in which parents and children co-reside with other members of one parent's family.

Of course, when it comes to social definitions things are not always rigid. People who adopt children also becomes a solid family. People who are married with the same gender also becomes a solid family.
Is family then broken down into just sustenance? Who is able to provide your basic living needs of shelter, food and safety becomes your family? Or is it then who is there when you are in your weakest state becomes your family? What about then, broken family? or are all family broken and thats just how the way it is? Does then family overlaps with a friend? Can a father, be a friend, be a mentor and be a father? On the other hand. can then, a mother does the same? What is it then that a role a family has to play? What role does a father play, or a mother or a son? Some families are not even by blood and yet they are tighter than the force that bind quarks together.

Things were easy in the past. You are born. You go through the rites of passage. Can you hunt and help the community? Yes? Good! Welcome to the society. No? well... don't get eaten by the tigers. (BECAUSE YOU'LL BE A BURDEN) In an uncivilized society that is. Easy.
Now a days... Not so. With the coming of civilization coupled with the advancement of knowledge and the expansion of consciousness we realized that this darwinian approach to evolution was not the best idea. It did worked for the past billion of years, it led to us, but we can do better now a days.

People say that, the family that you are born with is a gift, you didn't choose it, it was just there. And we must reconcile with ourselves what do they mean in the end.

We were born into this world as strangers, but we were accepted by our parents. That is not true. We were not strangers to our parents, we were expected. Even before we were born, expectations were already shoved onto our shoulders. " Is it a boy or is it a girl?" "He/she is going to become a great _______". What have we done to earn them? we were not even born yet, not even molded in to anything. And yet we have been thrust with such a duty? and when we fail, its our fault, somehow its always our fault. We can't blame anything else.

We were not born strangers, we were welcomed. But the we that we were welcomed was the we that were pure. Untouched by life's experiences and what life has to offer. The we that we were welcomed was the we that was soft, and smooth baby skin, and baby smiles. But as we grew up... things become uncertain.
I might be a little ungrateful here because there are many others who are more ridden with more fateful circumstances and some not.

But it is precisely because of that we have the better chance of making things work. We have the upper hand in making a social change. We, those with family have a responsibility to make things the best and better for each family member that we call family. Once having a family, your life is no longer your own. I wished some people realized this. I'll remember this when I grow older. I don't want my son or daughter to feel the same way that I feel. I want to be a family man. But I am ridden with a curse. 2 actually, a generation gap and the things that i grew up with. But this can be worked out. We can learn and grow if we choose too.

So, my definition of family would be... Family is defined by time and effort. Family is neither by blood nor it is because of it. A family is where our live is no longer our own. A family is a unit whereby we work together to bring each of us to a higher level. A family is where we support one another in times of troubles and celebrate each other in times of glory. A family need not be chosen by god. A family can be worked out. A family would understand and be there whenever you needed them. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.
* this is probably just a rant after two car accidents in two month, and an ideal view of family, but hey, one can dream and work to it, can't he?*

A Subway and The Qoi.

Its been awhile since I had subway for lunch. The place where its almost unlikely that you wont say the word umm haha. The subway that I went to was lightly decorated with chinese new year ornaments with the music im like a bird filling the background. With the calming atmosphere, I cant but help to reminisce at the memories that I have with subway.
Qoi. Someone I miss. We shared alot together. The girl stories. The gaming experience. The dota time together. The time spent in the dorms together.  Until, the last time I ever laid my eyes on that lucky bastard. Hoping he's doing fine there out abroad.
Whenever I see a subway vendor around it would always remind me of him. As he wouls constantly challenge himself to not utter the word umm. Its funny seeing him holding back the umm thinking of his order. You should try it yourself though I never bothered to. Id just enjoy the food. Qoi does have his quirks and perks and thats what makes him... well... him.
So, on this day, I treated myseld to a 6 inch turkey breast and chicken slice with 2 pieces of chocolate chip cookies at the cost of RM16. Heres to you qoi. Wherever you are. To the moment and memories. And until we meet again take care of yourself.

Change is constant

The only thing that is constant in the world is change.

A beautiful concept. It rings true for us all. This is my ode to 2013.
Don't be afraid of change. A new experience is never bad. It can strike awe in your mind and expand your prespective. Most of all, you can decide if the change is not of your suit. Its not wrong to change your mind. I myself has observed a lot of changes within me and also others around me. I was once with the cream of the crops, now i'm with the layman of us all. Im not sad nor am I boasting and I'm not even damn close to being proud. I am just as is. Its a new canvas for me to paint on with the different experiences and people around me.
Be in constant change.  You'll find something even bigger and better than you could have imagined. May the truth then be also upon you. To 2013. To you. To us all. Lets change so the world can too.

A cup of hot chocolate

<p dir=ltr>It dawned on to me a few months ago, back in 2012, sending of my friends, and I were to return back. Only that I wasnt with a cup of hot chocolate, but I was with a glass of hot teh. I was struck with the same sort epiphany anyways.<br>
That very cup of hot chocolate that we see in western movies actually symbolises more than just a warm offering to a guest in our home. It means a lot more.<br>
In winter you can't imagine how cold it is unless you have experienced it yourself. In the midst of getting through the barren coldness from without, the cup offers warmness to arise from within.<br>
It also symbolises hope. In all of the icy and blank whiteness of the season, the cup of hot chocolate reminds you that there is still hope. Hope to live on and not give in to the bleak tundra. Hope that you will meet warmness again in the upcoming spring. Hope that you will keep on fighting for life. Because this is the one and only chance we got. <br>
I could still fondly retell the story of how my glass of teh went. I was just starring rigidly into space at the UTC food court in Pudu. As I was contemplating where I were and where I am going from there on after sending of my friends, I took a sip of the teh. At that very moment it struck me. It struck me how the hot chocolate means so much more than just a drink. Its a very strong symbol for hope and preserverance.
It is with my greatest hope we would offer anyone be it our friends or family or even a stranger a nice warm cup of any drinks that we have. It is a small gesture of kindness that would bring a smile. Be kind for everyone we meet is fighting a hard battle.
Thats all from just a deep reflection from a cup of hot chocolate.

Adam, Eve and Evolution ( a preview )

I think any biology student or man of science would know what this is.

Take it as a preview for my next article with the title; 

Adam, Eve and Evolution.

Lets take it in an entertaining way after this.

Life is like a painting

We've all heard of that before haven't we? Life is like a painting, we paint it however we like to. I'd like to give an extension to that. Its not exactly about life. I find that quote rather fitting to gear towards human personality, your personal characteristics that makes you, YOU. So, here is how my revised version of this quote goes; Life is like a painting, it doesn't have to be one ULTIMATE painting, you can work it out as you go with multiple creations and masterpieces. Now, lets break that down to the sum of its parts.

Lets go to what makes a painting. You would need the painter itself, the canvas to draw upon, colours and pencils and pen to draw and outline, skills and also techniques to draw. The painter is clearly that YOU we are talking about. The canvas is more like what you have been given, your body, your environment and your biology, or the cards that you were dealt with in the beginning of your life. The colours, and pencils and pens are for you to choose. These can be your personality, your traits, your emotions, your beliefs, what makes you you in a way. Skills and techniques are up to your creativity and preferences that you yourself are free to decide and try out.

A baby was said to be the purest of all canvas. So pure that nature, nurture and environment determines the initial colouring or will majorly influences your preferences and views and outcome in life. This canvas is not your only one. I dare guarantee you that.

Try imagining a new colour. Thats just impossible isn't it? (if it isnt, do suggest it a.s.a.p :]) But the hues, the contrast, the depth of it all can be varied to suit any masterpiece. 

Skills and techniques are open to all. Your are not bounded by anything at all. The world is open for you to discover and experience. Open for you to mould yourselves in.

Now, the biggest revelation of all was that, You need not only make one painting! Heck it might not even be a painting anyway. You can go ahead and make a pappier mache if you'd like. Its all yours to experiment and try out. All the phase in life are just one of your masterpieces that you keep on producing through out life. It was more of finding your favourite colours instead of finding your true self. 

There is no pressure on yourself what so ever. Make mistakes. Don't be scared. Find colours that you love and try all the colours untill you find the right one that suits you the best. Sometimes you want to try something new or you picked up a trait from a book that you read or a movie that you watch. Give it a shot and see what you get out of it. From there on reflect and pick what you like.

Every time you reflect your going to see that you have changed from before. Sometimes your going to be scared of what you have become and wished you were like the old you back. DON'T FUCKING BE THAT. That is a masterpiece of yourself in the past not for you to be sad or depressed but be proud. You have learn't something.Nothing was in vain. You emerge out as a new person more sharp and wise and ready than ever to face the world and make more paintings.

As you go through life, take a moment to think all that you have been through, the small smile that an old friend gave you till the large things that made a great difference in your life. All laid out in a big gallery in front of you. From you were a child until you are here now and you see empty spots that stretches out into the future. The stretch are all filled with past you that you moulded and mould by. As you see and grow, you start to pick with which one that rhymes with you stuff that gives you good juju. All the period that you notice a change was a masterpiece of you.

One day, you are going to share all those artwork of yours. To your family, your loved ones, your children and those whom you love and care for in the form of stories. So, are you going to paint the same paintings over and over again... or experiment and find the one that suits you perfectly, describes you perfectly, that you wont be shy to parade as your 

Magnum Opus.

Wits end...

Damn... laying in my bed... surrounded by these 4 walls... there I am... thinking what am I doing now... enjoying a brief moment of relaxation?... but I have no idea what to do... things are statting to get pretty lonely these days...

A Regret

Of all the things that I could have regretted so far in my life, I'm not. Except for one. As trivial as it is. Its a she.

I could still remember how she was in class. Her outspokenness and fervor in her stand. Her amazing insights  and opinion that seems to be above most of us. She was very independent and solved her own problems on her own commitments. Committed to her marriage with Ibrahim Burhan, which was finally ended with a handsome divorce of the case weighing on her side, her works and assignments were passed up on time no matter what. A role student who kept improving herself and kept her goals out in front and inside of her. She would everyday bring in to class a large backpack which almost double the width of her that contains book and references for her. She would stay back after class at times. She also plays tennis too. I was  a fool not to engage her back then. Perhaps, I was shy but perhaps it was just the place we were at that sort of look askew on stuff like this.

I could still remember some of the moments that we had together. Our class discussions and our group assignments which most of them I had the oppurtune moment of being together with her. We spent some moments together which I could never forget. She wore a bracelet with 5 different symbols laced with diamonds that she got for her birthday. It was just another accessory for others, but it was a totem for her. It symbolizes and embodies her hopes and dreams which of course she picked by herself. I still remember how i helped her wear them back on which a caressed her soft elegant skin for a moment, enough to give me a tingling and a sweet memory of happiness.

I could still remember her flairs and looks. Sometimes she would let her hair fall gracefully. Sometimes she would tie it up in a bun. Sometimes she covers it up for certain occasions. Every time, it left me awed. She would also wear baju kurung, of  a single plain colour or with decorations of small flowers or red stripes mixed with orange and yellow hues, it doesn't matter. Your heart would flutter at the sight of her anyway. In my most humble opinion, she works her jeans out nicely to suit her curves and compliments her all around.

I could still remember her close friend, a he. Which bewilders me to this day. To what extent are their relationship. She seems so close to him as all the story goes, he's just a good friend they say. " They Say". Most of the time you would see her alone. Not that she minds it I think. Hard to say so myself. We made a joke about continuing our studies in Czech Republic, me and her. She seems to be jumping in my band wagon at that moment. Didn't know if it was true or not. I bailed out. Haha. Silly me. I still tease her about it, not going to Czech but got RCSI instead, but of course, she gets the last word and I got strike back.

I could still remember going to out batch dinner together. Thanks to a classmate of mine, I went with her. She drove all the way to Putrajaya with me being the co-pilot and my classmate(she) the back passenger. It was a good time. She wore a beautiful soft orange dress, which made her so beautiful. From the tip of her head to the tip of her shoes, she was a beauty. I can't thank enough of my classmate for the opportunity that she gave me. However, thinking that she didn't invite me to her open house recently on hari raya sealed the idea that perhaps im just another friend to her. So sad.

The most regretting part of all, It wasn't that I quit my studies and couldn't finish my IB Diploma, things like that are abundant and they don't determine much anyways, It wasn't that I had to start from scratch to continue my life, thats just how life works in discovering your passion, It was not telling her how I felt of her. How I hoped, wished and believed that we could have been something. I kept asking her out but Ibrahim Burhan tethered and controlled her much. It was that regret that possibility that I kept hung up. Not knowing wether If I had asked would it be a YES or NO and I would go on with my life. A lot of people get SPM, Diplomas and get to fly overseas. But not many would be able to say I was once with this amazing girl. She was a person, and as far as I know, the genes the experience the environment that led to her being would only be that, one and only sequence that would make her. I regret it so much. 

I guess, the last that I saw her was at KLIA. It was a coincidence that I came all the way from Penang to send my best buddy at college to continue his studies overseas  and she was there too. Thanks Bro! She was as beautiful as ever, sitting alone, most of the time with her family, wearing simple attire with a bright smile. I send her off till the gates of KLIA international flight departure. Seeing her was great. I told my best buddy to look after her. Which I won't be seeing her again in the near future and she would have forgotten me by then. Its a sad thought I know, but the memories of her were sweet. Sweet sweet memories. 

" Never Over Reign Aloof Military Invasion Rising Again,

Surely Having A Fever Leaves Enough Energy Never Again "

Thank you for the ifs, coulds and woulds.

Lesson learned.

I almost died...

I was just reminded today of an incident that I had about a year ago. I almost died. It was literally shocking! If memory serves me right it was during the night of Teacher's Day preparation or was it Raya, but playing around with electricity was what I did.I hooked up a few merry lights and tried to fix a plug. Contrary to my much needed common sense at that time, I forgot to turn of the main power grid, and hence I briefly grazed my hand on an exposed live wire which led to a few seconds of numbness and a total state of utter amazement. Amazed that I'm alive. Amazed at how the shock felt. Amazed that I was shocked literally. It just suddenly came back to me. On that night, I appreciated electricity at a whole different level. I started to unveil my views of normality towards technological advancement and realized what an amazing world that we live in now. From your basic lamp and lights at night, towards handphones and smartphones now, and the internet. On the night I almost died... it just turned out to be... another... normal night...

Another First

Perhaps it was a brief moment of rapture,

how'so I couldn't be so sure,

seeing the light that started to fade,

I wonder if this is where I would wade,

I don't know how i should feel,

I don't know what should I say,

I don.t know where would I fit,

In a sea full of people, smart and not,

Would I just a mere man, able to beat not?,

Learn all that I can is what I must do,

Be the best of what I can is what I must do,

To make the best of where I am is what I must do,

No matter where I would be thrown,

I will came, see, conquer and own.