Sunday, October 28, 2012

A Regret

Of all the things that I could have regretted so far in my life, I'm not. Except for one. As trivial as it is. Its a she.

I could still remember how she was in class. Her outspokenness and fervor in her stand. Her amazing insights  and opinion that seems to be above most of us. She was very independent and solved her own problems on her own commitments. Committed to her marriage with Ibrahim Burhan, which was finally ended with a handsome divorce of the case weighing on her side, her works and assignments were passed up on time no matter what. A role student who kept improving herself and kept her goals out in front and inside of her. She would everyday bring in to class a large backpack which almost double the width of her that contains book and references for her. She would stay back after class at times. She also plays tennis too. I was  a fool not to engage her back then. Perhaps, I was shy but perhaps it was just the place we were at that sort of look askew on stuff like this.

I could still remember some of the moments that we had together. Our class discussions and our group assignments which most of them I had the oppurtune moment of being together with her. We spent some moments together which I could never forget. She wore a bracelet with 5 different symbols laced with diamonds that she got for her birthday. It was just another accessory for others, but it was a totem for her. It symbolizes and embodies her hopes and dreams which of course she picked by herself. I still remember how i helped her wear them back on which a caressed her soft elegant skin for a moment, enough to give me a tingling and a sweet memory of happiness.

I could still remember her flairs and looks. Sometimes she would let her hair fall gracefully. Sometimes she would tie it up in a bun. Sometimes she covers it up for certain occasions. Every time, it left me awed. She would also wear baju kurung, of  a single plain colour or with decorations of small flowers or red stripes mixed with orange and yellow hues, it doesn't matter. Your heart would flutter at the sight of her anyway. In my most humble opinion, she works her jeans out nicely to suit her curves and compliments her all around.

I could still remember her close friend, a he. Which bewilders me to this day. To what extent are their relationship. She seems so close to him as all the story goes, he's just a good friend they say. " They Say". Most of the time you would see her alone. Not that she minds it I think. Hard to say so myself. We made a joke about continuing our studies in Czech Republic, me and her. She seems to be jumping in my band wagon at that moment. Didn't know if it was true or not. I bailed out. Haha. Silly me. I still tease her about it, not going to Czech but got RCSI instead, but of course, she gets the last word and I got strike back.

I could still remember going to out batch dinner together. Thanks to a classmate of mine, I went with her. She drove all the way to Putrajaya with me being the co-pilot and my classmate(she) the back passenger. It was a good time. She wore a beautiful soft orange dress, which made her so beautiful. From the tip of her head to the tip of her shoes, she was a beauty. I can't thank enough of my classmate for the opportunity that she gave me. However, thinking that she didn't invite me to her open house recently on hari raya sealed the idea that perhaps im just another friend to her. So sad.

The most regretting part of all, It wasn't that I quit my studies and couldn't finish my IB Diploma, things like that are abundant and they don't determine much anyways, It wasn't that I had to start from scratch to continue my life, thats just how life works in discovering your passion, It was not telling her how I felt of her. How I hoped, wished and believed that we could have been something. I kept asking her out but Ibrahim Burhan tethered and controlled her much. It was that regret that possibility that I kept hung up. Not knowing wether If I had asked would it be a YES or NO and I would go on with my life. A lot of people get SPM, Diplomas and get to fly overseas. But not many would be able to say I was once with this amazing girl. She was a person, and as far as I know, the genes the experience the environment that led to her being would only be that, one and only sequence that would make her. I regret it so much. 

I guess, the last that I saw her was at KLIA. It was a coincidence that I came all the way from Penang to send my best buddy at college to continue his studies overseas  and she was there too. Thanks Bro! She was as beautiful as ever, sitting alone, most of the time with her family, wearing simple attire with a bright smile. I send her off till the gates of KLIA international flight departure. Seeing her was great. I told my best buddy to look after her. Which I won't be seeing her again in the near future and she would have forgotten me by then. Its a sad thought I know, but the memories of her were sweet. Sweet sweet memories. 

" Never Over Reign Aloof Military Invasion Rising Again,
Surely Having A Fever Leaves Enough Energy Never Again "

Thank you for the ifs, coulds and woulds.
Lesson learned.